Dejected
by flatfoot
Summary: In a state of melancholy depression, one may only wish to be accepted. [Hakkai & Sanzo].
1. chapter 1

There's nothing great about this fic. Just wanted to see someone in pain, and chose Hakkai as my victim. Am apologizing in advance for the clichés [and for the rest to come].

~~~~~

It'd been a miserable day. Fighting _ youkai_ all day, no proper rest the last week and the usual two bickering every other hour, would eventually take a toll on anyone. Anyone including me. The one who has the appearance of someone who's hypocritically smiling all the time. Well, usually all the time when someone's around. Even when I'm sad, worried, sick, hurt, happy. Of course what did you think? That I would stop smiling when I was really happy? But happy is something I haven't been for a while.

I sigh out loud, but does anyone hear my misery? No, of course not. Everyone else is too busy complaining about their own problems, not thinking that maybe I have problems of my own to deal with. It's always, 

"I need food" or

"I want cigarettes" or

"We leave now, and I mean not a moment later. I don't care who you are, what you do... but if you become a burden to me, I won't hesitate to send any one of you to hell!"

Maybe I'm just exaggerating things. But it does exist, a different side to him. One that does cares and takes the time to be nice. Or so I would like to think. Like how he would forgive Goku those times his limiter was off. When he and Gojyo actually sit down, have a drink and share some smokes together. Not whacking anyone of them with his paper fan meant he was being nice. Well, it's the closest to any kind of niceness it can get.

And especially when he and I would sit in silence, on specifically rainy nights. He, with his pack of cigarettes and me, with my cup of tea. Occasionally we would speak. In riddles, that is. To a point I lose track of what we were initially talking about. The mission is everything to him. Well, the purpose behind the mission is more like it. He never talks about it. Never talks about his past, what causes him to awake in the middle of the night, gasping for air... eyes wide from a nightmare. His response, "leave me alone!" Then as if on cue, it starts to pour. Making the whole situation worse. A dark aura lingers around him, then slowly spreads across the room to my bed. That's where I usually am. In the same room but on the other side.

Rainy nights bother me too but I try to keep things a little lighter. As opposed to the heavy sickeningly stuffy air he creates. I make the effort to play cards, or talk about the events that happened that day. That way my mind is off my problems, and so is his. Then during one of those nights, things changed. We crossed that border and stepped beyond the boundaries of friendship. Well, I haven't any idea what to call it as yet. It just happened, while playing poker. Something sparked and he was on top of me and surprisingly I didn't resist.

I suppose this is what you get when two men like us, who are unlike Gojyo, are in need of a more effective way to release built up frustrations. Frustrations from our past, the journey and certain neglected needs. I'm suddenly feeling very frustrated.

I left the bar, where I was nursing a single cup of sake, feeling sorry for myself, and went to our room. Sanzo was already sleeping in his bed. But I knew he knew I had just entered. Very much alike, we were light sleepers. I changed my clothes and before heading for my bed, I looked at him. My chest was heavy and tightened. I don't know what's been bothering me more. Whether it was the fact that he treats what we supposedly have as nothing or the fact that I go to him yet again every other night even after regretting it.

Like his addiction to cigarettes, I'm addicted to him. It's healthier though, him to cancer causing sticks. Or maybe not. Since before this whole thing between us, I had less on my mind. Less anxiety. Fewer frustrations. If only he was more obliging, that way I can tell him things I really want to tell. Take off whatever weight I have from my chest. If only he was more willing to listen. Instead of him always pretending to listen when I'm babbling away incoherently on random topics. Am I boring? Is it really so bad to have a two-way conversation, instead of me talking to a wall? In spite of all that, I still didn't mind it.

He once told me I was not interesting. How would you feel if someone told you that? I spoke less after that, but a couple of days later I went back to being my usual self. Maybe he was indirectly trying to tell me to shut up. But then again, what he said was more direct than telling me to shut up anyway. I worry that I may be falling in love with him, because how does one's love get returned from a ninety-percent-of-the-time heartless bastard? I don't even know why I love him. Perhaps it's some sick habit of mine to try to obtain what is most difficult.

After a small debate I lay beside him, his back facing me. Gently I placed my hand around his waist, to officially let him know I was there. He didn't make effort to acknowledge my presence so I lifted his nightshirt just a little to place my hand underneath it. My palm touching his skin, fingers gently stroking his belly. I pressed my body closer to his back, burying my nose in the crook of his neck as I slowly, but daringly, reached for the slightly hardened flesh in his pants.

I felt him shudder, just a little beneath my ministrations. I nipped at his neck, moving towards his earlobe. I closed my eyes and decided then that this was it. This was the right time, the perfect chance. I confessed my love for him for the first time into his ears.

I waited for a response from him, but his body suddenly went rigid at those three words. I thought it was a good sign. Finally I would have someone to care for me, who will hold me when I needed to be held. Someone I can share my thoughts with, without the care of what our pasts were, what we did everyday but just as a person I can trust and trust to be told what I needed to hear. Tell me words that would melt my heart. Words that...

"I'm feeling hot!"

I almost choked. "What?"

He grabbed my wrist and held it away from his body. "Go to your own bed, I'm too tired for all this now. I need my sleep."

That was all he needed to say to make me regret once again for even thinking of him otherwise. To get me out of his bed as fast as I could so that I could crawl into mine, hoping to sleep and forget what just took place. Or to never wake up again.

_To Be Continued..._

**A/N:**  
Sorry to all Hakkai fans out there. And also sorry for making Sanzo such a bastard. Review please. Flames and any sort of criticism most welcomed. Just want to know if I should continue... or save you guys the agony and not continue?!


	2. chapter 2

Sorry for the wait. The next chapter is gonna take somewhat this long as well. Thanks to all who have reviewed. On with the next part...

~~~~

It started to rain. Like how most unpleasant incidents are accompanied with rain, things just became worse. I couldn't sleep to begin with. Right after I left him, I could only toss and turn in my bed. Thinking about him and wishing I could take back what I'd said, because all I feel for him now is hatred. Being rejected was one thing, but being rejected so insensitively took on a whole new meaning to the word rejection.

My insides were torn, my heart in shreds. Only two hours ago since I last looked at him. Smelt him, touched him, declared my feelings to him. And it has been in the last two hours I was thinking of getting away as far as possible from him.

I sat up in my bed, legs on the floor. I wondered if the bar was still open. Drowning my sorrows in alcohol, lots of alcohol, is the only thing I can do now. I gathered my clothes and decided to change in the main bathroom. The less I was around Sanzo, the better for me. As I walked out our room door, a drunken young man almost knocked into me. Most likely heading for the next room. The room in front of ours belonged to our other half. I rolled my eyes at the thought of the words _other_ _half_ and decided that it was enough thinking for the night. My head had started to ache.

I opened the door to their room. Goku was sound asleep and surprisingly so was Gojyo. I thought I'd ask Gojyo if he'd want to join me in a few rounds of poker accompanied with some sake. I contemplated on waking him up, but decided it wasn't worth his trouble. As I was about to close the door, I heard a voice.

"You needed something, Hakkai?"

"Ah?! Oh, no. It's okay. I didn't know you were sleeping." I smiled at him, even though I knew he couldn't see me. Not clearly at least.

"Are you sure? We can chat if ya want," he said, sounding a little more awake than he previously was.

"Yes Gojyo. I'm quite sure. I didn't mean to wake you. Please go back to sleep. We need the rest to continue our journey tomorrow."

He paused. I was hoping he didn't notice the slightly shaken voice I had. "Alright then," he yawned, resting his head back onto the pillow.

"Goodnight," I whispered, but he was already asleep.

I wanted to go back to bed, but the thought of seeing him again... I swallowed, trying so hard to get the lump down my very dry throat and hugged the clothes as I dragged my feet to the bathroom.

The bathroom was empty, but steamy. Someone had either had a late bath or forgot to shut the heater off. Vapor from the hot bath started to form a thin layer of water on my skin. It was cooling, and somewhat comforting. I placed my clothes on a rack and undressed, but decided to take advantage of the inviting bath instead of changing.

I tested the water first with my toes. It wasn't too hot, but as I immersed the rest of myself, the water burned my skin just for a little while until I got used to the temperature. I closed my eyes, meditating on the warmth surrounding me and how it moved, bouncing slowly every time I moved my hand. It tickled my skin slightly, which made me smile a little.

I opened my eyes again; the bathroom now was not as misty as it was before. I leaned back against the ceramic tiled wall and found it exceptionally cold, regardless of the heat the water generated to the entire area. Sitting there in the stillness of the bathroom with no water running, no additional people talking felt eerily quiet. I had only one other way at the moment to entertain myself.

Small explosions of water splashed onto my face each time I made a _ki_ ball, a very small one, under the water. I used to do this whenever Goku was around, and he usually ended in fits of laughter, though I didn't find anything extraordinarily funny about it. But now when I recall those times, it was rather amusing. We'd all be in the bathhouse, having on of those moments, and wound up engaging ourselves in a water fight. Sanzo included.

To Gojyo and Goku, the fight usually meant getting back at each other, calling names and so forth. As for Sanzo, it's because of them quarrelling in the first place which gets him mad, or so he would like us to think because I usually sit back and watch the fun. Occasionally warning them about the dangers of maybe knocking their heads on the hard floor or drinking up too much water when Sanzo pushes their heads beneath the water's surface.

I suppose its good that he takes part in certain, well, activities with the rest of us compared to shutting himself out completely. He usually has the priority of having the bath first, alone. But once I decided to join him anyway, this being after we'd started getting intimate. I feel as though the word _intimate_ does not agree with just happened only hours ago. I sigh out loud and close my eyes again as I recollect the moments we spent.

Once when I shared his alone bath time, one would never have guessed _Sanzo_ and _gentle_ could exist in the same sentence. I remember clearly that day as prior to reaching a town; I had fallen into a mud pit whilst saving Sanzo from a _youkai_. I was muddy all over, no doubt about that, but cleaned off first whatever I could remove before heading for the bathhouse. The gentle part came about when he took my hands, while I was aggressively trying to get the dirt from my skin and beneath my fingernails, and rubbed them with his fingers. Removing the grime off easily.

"_Patience and you'll accomplish more_," he had said. When I think about it now, it sounds rather cheesy. Was it merely for him to get me into bed? If that was all he'd wanted, he should have told me before hand because maybe, just maybe I would have said no.

But it's all too late now. Only _should have_s and _if only_s to gripe about.

"I'm so stupid", I announce to no one in particular. Maybe I didn't wait long enough. I was _impatient_. Feeling tears trickle from the corner of my eyes, I cupped the water with my hands and splashed my face. Washing away the evidence of my despair, but no sooner than later fresh tears began to fall once again.

*

_Shit_. I couldn't sleep. Not because of the rain, not because of what I said but the silent sound of a heart breaking, deafening, forcing me to cringe, I just couldn't bear to even pretend to sleep. _You stupid bastard_. I didn't know how to react cause I never knew to expect it.

I grabbed a cigarette from a fresh pack and placed it between my lips. _Fuck, where's that damn lighter_. I searched in between my other things but couldn't find it. Suddenly remembering I left in the bar earlier, I slapped my forehead, groaning in frustration. I looked up to see if he was awake or if I woke him up, but to my surprise he was gone.

"Eh?" I questioned the emptiness.

I got up from my bed, forgetting about having a smoke, and walked towards his. The sheets were slightly disarrayed, which meant he didn't leave right away. _Well, he should've known how I'd react_. I touched his pillow, running my hand over where his head would be, but retracted it immediately afraid I might damage it or something.

"What am I thinking? It's just a damn pillow!" Of which I take and throw it to the other end of the room. With a soft thump, it falls helplessly over my bed; crumpled, dejected… just how I'd made him feel. _Fucking hell!_

I snatched the pack of cigarettes and my gun and decided to go down. Hoping to find my lighter, assuming it was still where I'd left it, and maybe, just maybe, face him. I open my door and found the door in front of mine slightly ajar. _Could he be in there?_ I wondered. I crept forward, opening the door a little bit. Scanning the room, I only noticed two shapes. None of which was his.

"Oi, _bouzo_! What do you want?" Gojyo asked in an irritated tone.

I sniffed and told him nothing.

"What's it with you and Hakkai all of a sudden? Highly unlikely for the two of you to check on us in the same night. Well, for you actually since you don't give as much as two cents for us."

I had the itch to shoot him right in the head then, if only I could see well in the dark. Because shooting him anywhere else would only mean he'd survive, leading to further infuriation and I will never hear the end of his yapping mouth about how I almost killed him. "Fuck you! And I still don't give a damn."

"Oh really?" his voice sounding suddenly closer than he was before and a few seconds later he's standing in front of me. One hand leaning against the door with eyes squinting at me, caused by the light at the corridor. He was as usual half naked, not caring if anyone passed by at that moment and saw him in that state. "You two having some, ahem, bedroom problems? 'Cause as you can see, I might be able to help you," he said with an irritating smirk.

"In your dreams _kappa_!" I said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, that's what I do. I dream of Sanzo-_houshi-sama_ in bed with Hakkai every night. Hmm… Now that I recall a dream, I think I may know where the problem is."

"The problem would be," I paused, took out my gun and placed to his head, "if your blood so much as touches my clothes and me having a hard time removing the stains. Now where is he?" I could almost feel my blood boil at his answers. _Why couldn't he just answer me straight?_

"Shouldn't you know better?" he asked, but in a more serious tone. I knew he wasn't just stalling. "Is he in some kind of trouble? Did you do _something_ to him?" he eyed me closer.

I walked away from his door, leaving him there unanswered. I heard him swear something about if I ever hurt Hakkai, he would hunt me down and feed me to the dogs. Maybe that isn't such a bad idea. I walked further down the corridor until I came upon a door and with my mind still preoccupied I mechanically opened it. Steam clouded my vision for a while and as I left the door open, the white mist dispersed, leaving behind me. I came back to my senses when I realized what door I'd opened and what I saw next. A familiar brown head bobbed beneath the surface of the water in the bath.

_No_. My body ran cold and lost breath for a moment.

_It isn't_. Anger, panic, grief… guilt overcame me in an instant.

_It cannot be_…

_To be continued_...

**A/N:  
**Was Sanzo OOC? Or even Hakkai? I fear I'm no good at writing anymore. O_o;;


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